I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize