hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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