I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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