I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
