I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the day after is always just damage control
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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