drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
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lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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