he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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