I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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