He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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