my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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