Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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