I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
