Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
