btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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