I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
