and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
