Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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