When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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