Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
