On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
