i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Green mimosas i think yes
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
