: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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