That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
