Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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