My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
