Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
