i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
