woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
