My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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