There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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