She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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