my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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