when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
