Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
