I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
