my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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