the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
