Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
