at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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