i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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