I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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