If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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