My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
