Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
