I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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