my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
