mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
