Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
