SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
