so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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