On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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