The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
