Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
