Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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