I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
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Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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