I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
