Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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