the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
